Feeling important

Let me start by saying that as a woman in my late 40's I am very sexual. Sex to me is extremely important as well as physical contact and intimacy. As I have stated I love Russ very much and can't see a life without him. He has several intimacy issues that I'm just not sure I can live with much longer. He never hugs me, I hug him, he never grabs my hand, I grab his, he doesn't even actually kiss me, he pecks my lips. I love sex, he knows this, but he'll go week's without touching me. Im tired of being the one to always make a move and I'm tired of hearing all day that I just need to wait until we go to bed that night. That night never happens, and the few times he's flirted with me regarding sex he never follows through. He hasn't noticed that I've stopped trying to be sexual with him, he hasn't noticed that I've stopped touching him intimately and he hasn't noticed that I am genuinely upset and feel rejected. It's been over two weeks since he's held me, cuddled in bed for more than 5 minutes and when he leaves on calls he doesn't even kiss me good bye, I just get an "I love you" and he leaves. I don't feel loved anymore, I feel like I'm the only one that loves him, and I feel myself shutting down and pushing him away. I've been hurt so many times that I'm too old to hope that someone will care about me as passionately as I care about them.

I'm too old to fight for someone that won't fight for me. I'm over being told he's leaving every time we argue, in my experience when someone threatens to leave in those situations means they've been contemplating it all along and just haven't actually acted upon it yet. I pay for just about everything in the home we share. I pay the rent, the water bill, the food, gas in his truck that I use, everything that his kids need I've bought. His kids have become a contention for me because I'm tired of only my things getting destroyed by them. They have ruined several pieces of furniture that belonged to a dear departed friend. They have put holes in the wall, ripped wall paper from the walls, broken every toy I've bought them, ripped up coloring books, broke crayons, and colored pencils, colored all over the walls in two rooms upstairs and they do all this because they're bored but they're bored because they destroy everything I've given them. I feel like if I flushed all my money down the toilet it would be better spent and more useful.

I'm very irritated and pissed off this morning.

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