Figured it all out

So, time to be utterly honest with myself and the entire world. If I have any feelings or emotions I am expecting everyone to think and feel only my way and that my way is the only right way. Point taken, acknowledged and I fully intend to stop feeling anything about anyone anymore. I'm shutting down, sinking totally into myself and I'm going to run on auto pilot. These last couple week's Russ has fought with me a lot, and every time we argue he threatens to leave me. I guess he just needs to go, he needs to move on and find someone that isn't such a needy, having feelings kind of person. I'm totally not going to continue to try and be with someone who's first thought is to run away and leave.

A long time ago I was told that I'm an insufferable bitch and that no one will ever love me because I can't be loved. I guess that is really honestly true. Let's revisit some of my relationships.

My ex husband never loved me. He liked the idea of us in the beginning but he liked cheating, lying, drinking and being abusive much more. I tried for a very long time to make him happy, make him want to love me, but there's no way you can make someone love you. After four sons, multiple cheating on his part, a lot of abuse he finally left. I was devastated at first because I didn't think I could be a single mom, I was wrong but I didn't succeed at that either, I totally failed. After over nine years I finally divorced him.

Then enter a few Latino men that just used me for sex when the need suited them, and I had honestly thought at the time that they desired me, I now know it retrospect that I wasn't even close. So, I stopped dating and just existed.

Enter Tim, I just knew he was the one, I knew I'd love him forever but what I knew was totally wrong. He played the part of a caring man, yet he was totally in the control of his mega rich parents who thought I just wanted his money, made it clear I'd never be more than a casual thing and would never be family. So, dating him led me to push away my kids, yep I'm a bad fucking mom. I wish I could go back in time and choose my kids instead of a man that would never love me. I am utterly unworthy.

Enter years of being alone, then weight loss surgery happens, unsuccessfully, enter Chad. He totally never actually cared about me, he used me, lied to me and even though I felt it in my soul I refused to see it or believe it. I allowed him to use me in the hopes that yet again I could make him love me, again that's not possible.

Enter Daniel,  this man made me feel worthless, useless, non existent and made sure every single day that I knew I'd never be good enough. He hated me, hated my kids and only dated me because of a rivalry with Chad,  I didn't know until some time later that I was nothing more than a challenge and that was all I'd ever be. When we first got together I knew he was the one, I knew I wanted him forever and I knew we'd get married. It was Thanksgiving day in 2016 that opened my eyes to the reality that he is a miserable, sad man and that no one and nothing will make him happy or make him love. He's controlling,  narcissistic and an alcoholic, who tried to end my life on September 30, 2017. Almost a year of court and he finally pled guilty to felony strangulation but still has no literal consequences in my opinion.

So, I stayed single for a couple months, literally, enter Russell.  Again I am of the thought that he's the one, this is going to last forever and I'll always be with him. Apparently I'm starting to see that this will never actually happen. He will walk away, he will leave and I will be alone. This is the part where I'd love to say that he's everything I need and he fulfills all my needs. If I were going to lie that would be the first place to start. Let's be honest, I'm a fuck up and I'm never going to be enough.

So, I've resolved to forget that I have wants, I have needs and that I even exist. Life will be ordinary and sad but that's my destiny.