Almost a holiday

It's almost thanksgiving and I find myself in no mood to celebrate. I have no desire to make a huge family meal, nor do I desire to attempt to be excited. I have no job so I have no money to buy the necessities for a big family dinner, oh and actually having a family dinner without half my kids isn't going to happen either.

Let's start with the kids. My oldest son Matthew and his (big gulp and exaggerated sigh) wife won't speak to me. His wife is extremely controlling and if it's not her way she makes sure you're not allowed to be a part of her life, my son's life and my grandson is nothing more than a pawn. I'm only allowed to see my grandson when she wants/needs something from me. I cherish every minute I get with him but I'm honestly to the point where im going to refuse any future requests. I've literally done nothing to this woman to cause her to feel so entitled and I'm really pissed at my son that he allows her to treat me in this manner. Her issue started because they borrowed money from my dad and my grandma, she demanded that I make payment arrangements for them and I told her absolutely not, I didn't borrow the money and I sure as hell wasn't going to be their in between. She borrowed it, she lied to them and she refused to pay them back. She still hasn't attempted at all. She has sent me many messages telling me what a worthless piece of shit I am, how bad of a mother I was, and how much of a loser I'll always be. I've saved every message and most I never responded to, ignorance just breeds ignorance. I choose not to try and contact them and I choose to live my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my son and grandson and not a second goes by that they aren't in my heart and mind but I refuse to be bullied.

My son Brent only talks to me when he's allowed. He lives with a very churchy judgemental woman and I am tired of her making snide, rude comments. He's always been there for me, he's a really great kid but she makes me out to be a very bad person, maybe I am.... Brent won't attend any meal I would have made because his brother Travis is here.

We have no gas to heat the house let alone run the stove for dinner. So, the alternative is that we're going to Kentucky.  Russ, Paytience,  and junior and I are leaving sometime Saturday. I have no desire to go because we don't have the money, he wants to drive there and back on $100. It's honestly not going to happen. That gives us no money to get anything to drink while on the road, nor can we stop and eat. It will probably not even be enough money for gas there and back. If we do go my happy ass is sleeping in the truck.

Ken won't be with us, my kids won't be here, and again I have no real reason to celebrate anymore. My heart is eternally broken and nothing can mend me anymore.